My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
