i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
