On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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