that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
MIDGETS
????
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
