im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
