I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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