you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Randomize
