How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Randomize
