i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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