Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
