I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
