I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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