Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
