god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
