I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
