i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
