Jerry, you need to find god
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
don't judge my taste in strippers
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Randomize
