i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize