dude i'm inner monologue high
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
