I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
