Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
