I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Is that strawberry winking at me??
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
