Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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