I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
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