there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
