I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Randomize
