I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Randomize