do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Randomize
