Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
