youre lurking in front of me
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Randomize
