Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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