Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
