You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize