is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize