a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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