she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
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