Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
