you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
