I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
