I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
