Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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