You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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