"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I checked into jail on foursquare
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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