and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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