if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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