just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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