Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
