i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
