You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Randomize
