remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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