So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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