is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
