our cab driver is having phone sex.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Randomize
